I walked in the door after dropping the kids at school this morning and my fiancee exclaims, “I’m postponing my surgery next week for January.” He’s been planning for months to repair his shoulder which has been causing him years of pain and discomfort.
He starts to chatter on about insurance and coverage and costs, recovery and timing, etc...and I go way below the line, aka I lose it. IMMEDIATELY. When I am below the line I don’t really hear a word of what he is saying.
However, Inside I can hear my spoiled child stomping about kicking a fit and saying “NO NO NO!” You can’t postpone! You don’t sleep because of the pain, you can’t do the things you want. We didn’t plan a trip this fall to make time for your recovery! There is no time in January! This is the perfect time to do this. I will not stand for you postponing - it messes everything up...for ME."
I quickly notice my resistance and choose my next few words mindfully. I expressed my concerns and fears and kept my inner spoiled child quiet.
After coming back to presence, I became curious about his change of mind and asked what was going on for him. We talked a bit and he insisted that postponing was what was best for him. I completely disagreed... and I knew I was right. Yet another below the line indicator:-)
I could notice the “one” in me that wanted to rise up and have a fit and yell to get my way. I nodded to that one and asked her to step aside for just a bit longer. Intuitively, I knew giving voice to my fear and anger in this way wouldn’t get me—or us—anywhere good. So I shared with him that I felt sad and angry, but knew that it was up to him to do what he felt was best.
I moved on to my morning yoga practice.
He said that he was uncomfortable that I was feeling sad and angry. I sensed that and was mad that my anger was not allowed.
I told him "I hear you, and I love you and I am still sad and angry.” Then I simply allowed him and me to be uncomfortable.”
He went back to his office and I went off to my morning yoga practice and watched all that was occurring in me. Thoughts of how wrong he is and how right I am. Sadness that he won’t be able to do the things we want to do because his shoulder hurts him, frustration that he will be restless and not sleeping at night, angry at how postponing will affect our plans next year..and on and on and on...
ME ME ME ME. How inconvenient this was for ME!
And what is absolutely true is that I wanted him to feel good again. I want him to be well.
As I breathed into my down dog, I began to relax. Suddenly I noticed the thought, "I wonder if he is afraid?” I immediately knew this was my intuition speaking to me. It was a gentle clear voice humming underneath all that fear. I could now see clearly how my fears were clouding my ability to hear him. My chest expanded, my heart felt deep and heavy and my breath opened up. In that instant, I was filled with compassion and love. I felt expanded and open and alive and it felt really good.
Moments later he walked back into our room and said. “Ok, I think maybe I am a little scared….. but I am still unhappy with the insurance company!"
I felt seriously joyful. There was nothing for me to say in that moment rather my job was to simply be an unconditional space of love, compassion, and understanding.
I smiled and sat with him as we talked through his worry. It felt good to simply BE there, listen and allow what was true for him to arise. I did not have the desire to fix him or change him or make him feel better. I was just open to hearing what was on his mind and heart.
And a few hours later, as I sat to write this blog, a calendar invite for the surgery appeared in my inbox.
To learn more about tuning into your intuition, above and below the line parenting, cultivating presence and becoming a drama free family register here for more information on the Foundations of Conscious Parenting Course.
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